Should you give another chance …..
Should you get another chance …
Abuse comes in many degrees and forms.
When we get abused we decide to make excuses for the abuser and say it may be my fault too. I may have provoked the behavior by something I did.
When we abuse others, we tend to pounce on exactly that same tendency and try to make the person we are abusing believe that it is partly their fault that they are getting abused. They ‘made’ you do it.
I strongly believe that it should be addressed, as strongly as possible in the very first instance that it happens. A poem by Paulette Kelly in 1992, that stuck in my mind since I first read it as a young person goes like this. It points to rituals that somehow “make it OK”.
I Got Flowers Today
I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night. He said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he was sorry and didn’t mean the things he said because I got flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.
Did you ask “Why did she not leave” Or “Why did he hit”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for forgiveness and a second chance. But AFTER addressing the issue in all seriousness and ensuring that it is the last time it happens. A clear understanding of what happens if the conditions under which the second chance is agreed upon is violated. Once this second chance is violated, those conditions should come into play. A continuous replay of abuse and giving chances is probably something to be avoided.
My friend chose to stay with her physically and psychologically abusive husband for 20 years. Because of some bizarre issue of her house being written in his name. She did not dare to step out with her children and take her chances living in a smaller house, with her modest salary, and filing for and fighting for maintenance to keep them in school and to clothe and feed them. Telling no one what she was going through she hid her bruises and her tears until he finally left her. It seems to me that she sacrificed her happiness, and maybe even the happiness of the children for the perceived ‘stability’ that having a family home represented. But again, who am I to judge?
Another friend, who did opt for a divorce pretty early in her marriage gives this piece of advice to whoever cares to listen; “Unless he is abusing you physically, don’t give up on your marriage, you can make it work”.
Sometimes when we abuse our spouse or our children, we do not recognize it as abuse. We do not name it to abuse either. This is especially true of seemingly insignificant ‘jabs’ that are not even worthy of being classified as ‘abuse’ going on for years on end. It is the snowflake effect.
An article by Michelle Gillen writing in the Website ‘Women Working’ explains some abusive behavior with which many of us can personally relate if we take a moment of introspection.
She speaks of Gaslighting. Which is “A form of psychological abuse that makes you question your sanity and your identity through emotional manipulation. The abuser forces you to depend on him while he controls your thoughts, reality, and life. The five behaviors mentioned are very familiar and it will serve us well to catch ourselves when we do this. We can also recognize it if someone is gaslighting us”. I have described the behaviors with you as the Abuser and the Victim alternately and also alternated the gender roles… so it is easy for us to see ourselves in both these roles.
Constantly correcting people
If you find yourself saying “that’s not what happened” or “you’re remembering things wrong,” especially when it’s about something that you did. The other person may start to believe that they are imagining things, has some kind of mental illness, or has a faulty memory.” This causes then to second-guess themselves, what they see, and what they hear, and start relying on your perception of situations instead of their own.
Lying
An abuser will lie and plant the notion in your mind that you heard or saw things wrong, even if you know you saw what you saw. Gaslighters want to manipulate your sense of what is true and false and cause confusion. According to Dr. George Simon, Ph.D. of Counselling Resource, “An accomplished liar can deceive another person by merely reciting a litany of absolutely true things — while deliberately and cleverly leaving out one or two crucial elements that would change the entire character of what they’re trying to make you believe.” Over time, you’ll believe that your perception of reality is twisted, and you’ll depend more on the gaslighter for the truth.
Blaming others for mistakes
As a gaslighter, you will see yourself incapable of making mistakes and if anything goes wrong it’s not because of you, but because of him. According to Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D. and author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free, “When a gaslighter thinks that they are not the problem and everyone else is, this is called having an ego-syn-tonic personality.” You will deny or be unaware that you are the problem or that you made a mistake. Instead, you will project those problems onto him and punish him for them, not letting up until you received an annoyed response from him. Which you will then proceed to hold up as something where you are the aggrieved party.
Always wanting to be right
A gaslighter will say anything to come across as correct, even when you know he’s wrong. He wants to be in control and he’ll use that control to make people depend on him. According to Jennifer Sweeton, Psy.D, “The mere act of being challenged is intolerable and unacceptable to the gaslighter, who not only needs to be right but also needs you to wholeheartedly believe that he/she is right.”
Putting others down
An abuser will do her best to exaggerate your actions and make it sound as though you’re being too sensitive or just overreacting. This can be in response to a joke or to something you heard her say or do.
This is called minimization. According to Dr. George Simon of Counselling Resource about gaslighters and minimization, “When she uses the tactic of minimization, the disturbed character is attempting to convince someone else that the wrongful thing she did wasn’t really as bad or as harmful as she knows it was and as she knows the other person thinks it was.” Soon you’ll believe that you’re being too sensitive, and you’ll question everything you say and how you say it.
Gaslighting is subtle and may even seem ridiculous when you consider one single incident. But continuous behavior can lead to serious mental drain and weariness. The lightest snowflake on a branch will not cause the branch to break — but at one point, after thousands are resting on the branch, it is exactly one of those weightless snowflakes that push the branch past its breaking point.
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